Painful Things To Experience In a Relationship

  • They Won’t Make Plans
  • If Plans Are Made They Are Cancelled More Often Than Not
  • You Feel As If You Are Always Accommodating And They Never Seem To Do The Same
  • You Haven’t Met A Single Friend Or Family Member
  • They Constantly Run Away or Shut Down In Times Of Stress
  • Often Completely Unavailable or Shut You Out In All Forms Of Communication

More detail under each to follow why these things are painful…


Mental Health and Social Stigmas

I have anxiety, always have, always will.  I have shared this with my peers and friends for years.  There are different reasons I am open about my “disorder”.  The two most important being:

1.  So people (maybe) understand me and notice why I act or respond certain ways

2.  To provide awareness

I have, of course, received many different reactions upon disclosing these feelings, doctors appointment, meds ect…

Sadly the most prominent reactions are completely ignorant.  There is either a blank stare and a quick conversation changer or statements like, “just work out and you will feel better”, “change your diet”, “no way you have anxiety, your life is so great”.

Rarely someone will share their experiences with anxiety, depression, or some struggle they have experienced with mental health.

The rarities make sharing worth it.  A trust is founded, one or both people don’t feel so isolated or strange.  Educating a person who has recently discovered their illness is rewarding.

The sad truth is that most people are afraid to even broach the subject of anything related to mental health.

To those people I say- that is your own disorder.  That is your own insecurity and I believe your own anxiety to not be able to discuss or look at something you or someone you care about suffers from.

So- to those that bring awareness to mental health- you are stronger than those who judge you, likely you are more sound or “normal” and you are most certainly more secure.


“Love heals. Heals and liberates. I use the word love, not meaning sentimentality, but a condition so strong that it may be that which holds the stars in their heavenly positions and that which causes the blood to flow orderly in our veins.”
-Maya Angelou

Things I am Thankful For

Was just thinking of a brief list of what I love about life…

In no order of importance:

  • My dogs
  • Coffee
  • My Family
  • Being Female
  • Everyone I have loved, past or present
  • Herbs
  • A cigarette after a good meal, sex, a drink or a good cry
  • Beautiful Women
  • My Education
  • Being American
  • Adversity
  • Open-mindedness
  • Châteauneuf du Pape
  • Affection
  • Intimacy
  • All my travel experiences
  • My job
  • Everyone who has taught me something I never knew or felt
  • Seasons

so much more to add…



I thought I had experienced heartbreak until this. The pain that doesn’t seem to go away.  The feeling of loss that is overwhelming. The life you had pictured-gone. Scary, sad, over whelming. That’s simple heartbreak to me now.

Then there is the heartbreak you experience when you know you will never be the same. The love that makes you see and experience things differently. The sun, rain, snow, taking a walk, going out to eat, having a drink, sitting in front of the fire, watching a movie, falling asleep at night, waking up in the morning- all look and feel different when you love the right way.  All loss hurts. But, I know now, there is that one you will hang onto forever.

Then there becomes this want and need  for that person to be with you through the tears, the pain and being so scared. They can’t be, you are losing them. They can’t be, we are moving on. All I want is that comfort from her, yet how unrealistic.

When you lose someone you love it feels as if EVERYTHING is gone.

The heartbreak I am speaking of is the real one, the deepest one. The kind that makes you lose your innocents. The kind you will never forget.  The heartbreak I am certain I will never experience again.

I want the person that broke me to fix me.

Totally unrealistic, I am aware. Doesn’t change the feeling.

There is no one but ME that can put myself back together after loss.

I will try.

I had to experience amazing love to feel this heartbroken. To feel that kind of love I should be thankful for.

Cleansing- Great Concept, Wrong Reason

Cleansing has been a topic of discussion among many people I know. Cleansing is discussed on almost every morning and afternoon show (mostly female audience). Cleansing is a subject in many magazines standing in grocery aisles. The cleansing that is mainstream, and honestly the only one discussed, focuses on loosing weight or something physically related. Mainstream cleansing focuses ONLY on clearing your physical body of toxins.
The Today Show this morning aired an entire segment about how cleansing doesn’t just have to be juices, one can do it with soup.
I find the whole concept to be ridiculous. Starve yourself, only drink fluids (warm or cold) for what? To lose weight? To say you have accomplished something? To depeive yourself of chewing? To not get the appropriate proteins or nutrients?
This concept is incredibly popular.

Here is my question…
Why do we not discuss cleansing ourselves emotionally?
Our minds and feelings…how do we do that?
There are many ways, ideas and concepts to “conquer” (wrong word I think) that question. They differ with everyone.
Being open with people you love and trust
Taking medication
Soul searching
There are endless emotional cleansers
It’s finding the right one for you that’s important
And it’s not as simple as juice or soup

I am going to a funeral tomorrow to honor a young woman I have known that lost her life to cancer at 27 years old.
She and I were not incredibly close. I worked with her for a while and we have kept in touch over time.

When I found out she had passed away, I was shocked, I was sad and I waited for her obituary to come out to see if it would be feasible for me to attend her service.

It was, it is.

I will go honor her. But I’m scared. I’m scared that the emotion of being there and grieving her, lost so young, will damage me.

How incredibly selfish. I know.

I’m scared of death.

But, I will go, because it feels right to me.

Tonight, knowing what I will do tomorrow, I took an unneeded hot shower. I found myself confused, water running all over me, thinking ‘why am I here?’. I needed something warm I suppose.

I cried. I let myself be alone. I cried more. I let everything that is going on in my life hit me. I allowed myself to feel.

I cleansed. Without realizing it. With no social stigma. I didn’t need to do it. It wasn’t deliberate. I had no goal, like loosing weight, or assuming trying to seem healthy or trying the latest trend.

I just let go.

It felt like a “cleanse”.

My point-

Focus more on cleansing your emotional self.

I would imagine if you do, the physical peice will be much easier or perhaps you won’t even need that physical cleanse.

The One

I never really believed that there was one person, a so called soul mate, for everyone.
I certainly always believed in love but thought how situational it can be.
Where you live, what you do for a living, who your friends introduce you to dictate who you meet, therefor narrowing the people who you can fall in love with. What if your soul mate lives somewhere you never visit? Frequents places you never go?

Well- I was wrong. I suppose if you truly have a soul mate you will meet. I didn’t have to travel far at all to meet mine. Although we did meet under interesting circumstances.

What I know now is soul mates exist. The love is so incredible. The kind of love that never leaves, not for a minute. Everything you do they are with you, in your mind, heart and soul. Nothing seems as fun without them. When life surprises you or amazes you and they aren’t there to experience it with you there is disappointment around the event then.

The love is intense, beautiful, sexy, fun and ultimately can be the biggest heart break in life.